My New Reality
April 16th, 2020
I am writing this while sitting upon my hammock, in my backyard, with my computer on my lap. I am underneath a Pacific Dogwood Tree, surrounded by my garden, a freshly cut lawn, and my neighbors that I finally met. I still don’t know how I should feel when I say “I am grateful for this quarantine,” but I am. I’m sitting in the site that provides me peace at this time, trying to tune out the things I can not control while responding to the factors I can.
Every morning I wake up to a new reality that has once been a dream or a goal off in the distance. I dreamed of the small daily acts that I couldn’t find time for before. We do laundry when the bin gets full the first time. We are cooking meals together. We planted our garden together. I took a random bike ride to nowhere. I’m journaling. I sit on my hammock with the sun sharing its light on me while I reflect on these moments.
How can we navigate this shared journey with positivity while maintaining awareness of the absolute terrible events that are occurring outside of our homes?
The forced confinement is affecting every person differently whether on the subject of finances, mentality, home, or future. What is a utopia to some is a dystopia to others. Are we feeling nourished, guilty, suffering, or hope? There is no common ground. There are no surroundings, situations, or communities that are affected the same way. We are living in a society where options confuse and overwhelm us though ultimately bring you closer to your own desires and needs. How are we responding to the situations? Involuntary and voluntary decisions are defining new privileges in these new moments of havoc.
Previously
Life before quarantine was busy and overwhelming though extremely rewarding. A typical week consisted of working 40 hours a week as a bartender and server, attending graduate school full-time, teaching or assisting in a 4 credit class, and more. It seemed that every single hour was written for me and I struggled to find space at home for myself, with my partner, and my family. Due to the lockdown, it seems that time has just duplicated and completely opened up. A much needed break was presented and it has provided time for self-reflection, non-designated work time, and spontaneous ideas and conversations. My other perspective holds absolute sadness, fear, and loneliness.
I am teaching Introduction to Sculpture online and attending graduate school full-time, though I lost my consistent source of income. Financial burden is definitely present, though I had to not allow that to affect my energy, perspective, or mental necessities. I dropped 6 grand on school, paid our new mortgage and utilities, and paid an excessive amount on necessities. Half of my bank account just dissipated, but I am okay with it. I know I have the privilege of being able to say that, but it is impacting my moments and my future and I can’t bottle that up. How I feel is shaping the decisions I make tomorrow. I feel secure in my new home, though I can not deny my financial fears. I am sitting on my hammock working on school while I am obtaining unemployment and a stimulus check from the government. I feel grateful for that to keep me afloat for now, but how long will this actually last? Is this utopia a moment to embrace because it's the calm before the storm? It’s eerie.
Home as a site for deep exploration.
I have time to invest in myself and to be with those I feel a strong connection to amongst this time. People are gardening for the first times, painting and drawing, going on walks, and being one with themselves. Our society usually isn’t supportive of this. My grandparents haven’t been to a casino in over 3 weeks. They learned how to play their favorite games with a deck of cards and each other. They are saving money. Their perspectives have changed from Day 1 to Day 25. My partner bought a select amount of cigars and said after they were gone, they were gone. Is this the opportunity to get rid of bad habits? To begin new hobbies and traditions? I feel like it’s a big mental reset.
I am making art solely from my home. I am teaching a class about objects existing in public spaces from my home. Creating a “Home Inventory” was the first assignment of the term. Students were asked to write about 30 objects within their spaces and define the artistic, social, and personal value. We are investigating how forced site-specificity within our homes impacts presentation and purpose. We are finding use of nuance materials found around the house. The opportunity to be present and investigative of our surroundings is something that will continue past this quarantine.
Is it foolish to make artwork that is disconnected from the current state of the world?
The term audience is different. Bodily experiences are different. Who are we making art for? We are all making responsive work in our solitude spaces. These feel like open moments for spontaneous creations for ourselves. Alone with a seemingly infinite amount of time; what can we accomplish from our solitude? What alternative ways can we connect with one another and show compassion, celebration, or solidarity? What personal bucket-list items can we accomplish when time is on our side? I think the simple act of trying, experimenting, or researching something new is something that is connecting us all during this time whether it's voluntary or involuntary. Everyone has been affected in some capacity, that has prompted a change in themselves. We are fulfilling new roles, and some that are definitely undesired. How are we choosing to respond? Not everyone has that choice.
Everyone is doing social practice.
My cousin, Chad J. Huseman was 33 years old when he passed away on March 14th, 2020. He still doesn’t have his head stone. He was laid to rest with a limited gathering, which left hundreds of people awaiting their own closure. My aunt Tonya organized a “Condolences Parade” for Chad’s immediate family. Over 75 cars filled with friends and family with photographs and posters about Chad drove down Theda Drive past the Huseman household.
Teachers are distanced from their students and still facilitate education methods from their solitude spaces. Someone started a project cutting hearts from construction paper and making window installations which has gained participants across the globe. People across the nation celebrate frontline workers every single night at 7pm.
How will we return to open spaces?
I will do it differently. Giving up a 40 hour workweek has allowed me to focus on teaching, organize new projects with passion and energy, plant my dream garden, and be at my home cooking fresh meals every night. That life I used to live will never return the same way. Some decisions were ultimately made for me and I am left overwhelmed by making decisions about the new future I have yet to understand.
My car was broken into on my first day of the term. They broke the front passenger window to obtain my makeup bag and hand sanitizer. My car was also broken into a little over a year ago, which resulted in anxiety attacks, anger, and stress. When I approached the shattered glass this most recent time I just laughed. “Of course,” I said. I didn’t allow this to cause more anger, anxiety, or sadness because I just couldn’t. “This isn’t worthy of self pity, just fix it and move on.” I’ve been working on finding a balanced mentality in my response to situations, and this was definitely a test. I ordered the window online and learned how to fix it myself. This process brought me empowerment and emotional connection with the individual who ripped through my car.
The human connection
Effort needs to be given to support our loved ones in this time. Effort needs to be given to connect with new people. My students want to work in groups. My neighbors are talking over the fences. My neighbor cut our lawn because we haven’t bought a lawn mower yet and didn’t want to go to the store unnecessarily. There are more phone calls, written letters, and social distance drive bys and birthday parties. Not everybody has the luxury of the unforeseen transformative moments of peace. Although, everybody is involuntarily preparing for a fast changing future, together. This is long term. These feelings will change as weeks and months go by, though right now I need to look towards the new reality with positivity.